Saansein (click to read more)

Dear Shanaya,

It is your fifth letter in the last five years. You ask me what I did with your previous letters? So, here it is- I burnt all of them. I could not read or look at them. You see, the way we parted our ways five years back, I still feel miserable about it. Also, why did you write only on birthdays? I like old-school romance; however, was it meant to be on birthdays only? This letter is not a reply to yours; this letter would say that how I carried myself after you left. Let me admit it- it was difficult. But I feel proud of myself now.

//
saansein meri ab befikar hain
dil mein base kaise ye pal hain
baatein sambhal jaa rahi hain
palkon mein yoon hi hansi hai
//

Do you remember our ride to Chilika lake on that breezy evening? It was just an hour's journey from our college hostel. On that soaked bench, looking at the lake with birds breaking the quietness with their chirping, while you were resting your head on my shoulder, and you confessed that our relationship might not last for a lifetime and how you just wanted that feeling to vanish. I was more concerned about the present than the future. That was the first time I felt left out in the relationship, and you did not even care to explain it. In a relationship, a partner only wants to be heard. But you need to understand that it should not be at the cost of the other partner. When I look at it now, we were pretending that we both and our relationship were on track. Guess what!? We were not.

//
Maan mein chhupi kaisi yeh dhun hai
Har khwahishein uljhi kidhar hain
Pairon se zakhmi jameen hai
Nazrein bhi thehri hui hain
Hai ruki har ghadi
Hum hain chalein raahein yahin
//

                       

Our regular getaway was Jhumka Dam in the outskirts of Bhubaneswar. I later recognized a pattern in our visit to the dam- when we had a fight or when you were upset or when I wanted to sit in a quiet place, we visited it. In the latter days, our visit became more frequent. We avoided talking in the college. To watch the sunset at the dam at least thrice a week felt more like an obligation then. One fine evening, looking at the sun setting behind the dam, I realized- rather than finding comfort in the silence, we could have spoken more. That silence was temporary...just like the sunset. In the letter, you asked me to look at the mornings rather than the evening as it brings darkness. Well, I do look at the mornings now. It was heavy but simpler without you.

//
Yeh manzilein humse khafa thi
In par chayi oss si bewafa thi
Baahon mein ab khoyi hain raatein
Haathon mein khuli hain yeh shaamein
Yeh subha hai nayi
Hum hain chalein raahein yahin
//

The relationship with you was more like a ride to Konark- always felt incomplete, or the Chenapoda of Pahala- sweet and addictive but unhygienic. You know, in later months of us, I felt lonely…you do not have to be alone to feel lonely. I felt sad when you ended it. You once told me on the shore of Chilika lake that we were not supposed to be together. Today, I get it- we were not.

                                  

I am glad that you chose to write a letter. With my emotional and introverted heart, when I look at the past on what went wrong- it was the thought that we wanted to socialize more and not to be satisfied. From the day we parted our ways, I have missed myself a lot, and I had become weak and fragile. The first time after five long years, after writing this letter, I do not feel shaky and dull. I feel awake and energetic to take on this world. Or, in other words, just like in the college days, you came to my rescue this time too.

//
Main apne hi mann ka hausla hoon
Hai soya jahan par main jaga hoon
Main peeli sehar ka nasha hoon
Main madhosh tha ab main yahan hoon
//

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Song name- Saansein by Prateek Kuhad