I'll be there for you (click to read more)

​I had a friend. Okay. I have a friend; at least even after five years, she considers me as her friend. I know this because I'm on her social media recovery addresses, she lives nearby, and her parents call me if her phone is not reachable.

It all started in 2015 when I took admission to a college in Bhubaneswar- approximately 2,000 KM from my hometown. More than 70% of my batch mates were not from Odisha. This one particular reason was enough for ice breaking.

Coming back to her- She always carried a smile on her face while speaking, was humorous and sharp, faculties liked her. She neither sat on the first bench nor was spotted in the library but completed assignments before the time, had the best dressing sense among other girls, spoke mostly with her friends but was very polite whenever we interacted for some work. She was little, though avoided wearing heels.

I think I observed her a bit more. I had a crush on her, and I confessed this to a few of my friends. After exactly two months, during some cultural festival- I plus my three friends and she in company with her two friends interacted casually, planned for dinner at the nearest restaurant, and that's how the new chapter began.

Let me tell you about myself. I'm introverted, have less confidence among strangers, studied in a vernacular medium- hence never had the confidence to interact with anyone in English, and was never fond of group study. I was better in subjects but never showed it off, was sincere, and had a good rapport with others.

After a few days of the cultural night, we seven were inseparable. However, it all started during the first term exams. As I said, I prefer to study alone; but the rest of the six always studied together. I couldn't help it, but I felt left out. I was afraid and had to clear exams.

One among those six was a rat, who'd get super excited around girls and would do anything to make his impression better. My first bully of 2015 was this guy. It bothered me when it started to get personal. He barked about my crush on her. I was getting laughed at, was called names, was targeted many of the times; it all made me uncomfortable. I was already out of my comfort zone by leaving my hometown back, and this behavior towards me was uncalled.

As soon as I realized it, I assumed to enjoy it, tried to ignore it, tried to change myself; nothing worked. Later, I stopped interacting with everyone. But it all fueled up those bullies. I could not fight back, as I didn't know the way to fight back with words. I kept mum, this made the group more comfortable, and my crush became an even bigger bully than any other. I bore this bully for the next eight months- until our last trimester.

When we came back post vacations for our sophomore year, I decided to cut talks with each one of the bully, and search for new friends. Toxic was already enough. I realized it was just a crush, and I never liked her. Eventually, everyone noticed my changed behavior, and out of six, three confronted me. They didn't realize what bothered me but apologized if they were at fault. I had made up my mind not to speak with them- for my peace of mind. In the past year, I had cried in my room precisely thirteen times. I wanted to enjoy this year.

I did find a few good friends and juniors. To date, most of the beautiful memories are from this year.

During the final days of graduation, I felt guilty for some reason; I apologized to each six of them for my behavior. Few accepted it wholeheartedly, including my crush.

I hated them for ruining my first year. One day, I received a message from the so-called crush asking for the reason for the change in my behavior post first year. It seemed she never realized her mistake. I made up some story which she didn't believe. I decided to sweep everything under the rug; in the subconscious mind- I could not.

I helped her when she wanted to change the job. Later, she'd openly call me her best friend, and I'd smile with open eyes. I helped her to move on with her failed relationship, decided to keep mum about my relationship status- I never wanted to be judged. But, when I did- I guess she got bored. I helped her whenever she felt alone, scared, and depressed. No, not because I liked her. All of this was just out of humanity, the way I'd advise any other crying person from the street. Later, she started to plan weekends with me. A few of the time, I agreed to her plans.

Because of CoVid, it's been six months now we've not met. She calls me every week. In the past six months, I've dialed her thrice- including on her birthday. She texts me complaining about her boss and family- I keep reply the shortest.

Yes, she's a changed person now; but I can't forget the past. Someday, I may walk away from her. Neither I'd inform her, nor I'd explain. I don't fancy her dependence on me. However, the evil in me secretly enjoys it. She's not fond of writing, but if she decides to write about me- I want her story to be incomplete.