Have you figured it out? (click to read more)

​​

‘How many people are awake at this time in the world?’, the 1st thought I had in mind when I woke up to some noise at 3 in the midnight in a room of an old rusty chawl of Worli.

I hear the noise again. “It must be Rama and Apurva staying downstairs fighting”, I speak to myself. I wake up and bang my feet on the floor. They notice it and stop whatever they were doing.

I tried to sleep again but now could not. After exactly 5 minutes, I hear them again.

"Why don’t you listen to me Apurva? You know that I’ve a big meeting tomorrow”, Rama shouts with frustration.

I don’t want to listen to it, but I can’t stop them. I adjusted my pillow but can’t sleep now. I think of banging feet on the floor again. But I don’t. I speak to myself-  “they must speak it out.” I keep finding excuses to hear them fight.

After a few minutes I hear Apurva crying.

“Hey, Honey. Stop crying. Okay. Let’s discuss it now. I’ll figure out something tomorrow.”

“It’s the same thing Rama. Are we going to stay like this forever. Like in this chawl. Appa offered a flat, a job, money.. you denied everything. Tell me, for how many days am I going to stay here? I need to pay fees for masters.. I love you, so I agreed to marry you. You said, you have everything sorted. Where is it? I don’t see anything.”

“I had things sorted. But you know it. The deal got cancelled. I don’t want to say this- but marriage is all about compromises”, Rama pleads.

“And our love? Do you even love me now? I don’t see your face till 10 in the night. You don’t talk much. It’s all frustration you have for me”, Apurva shouts.

I start thinking about my life. Soon, I’m going to get married. How is it going to be for me?

I feel hungry when I’m stressed. I wake up, go to the fridge and grab that chocolate ice-cream tub Ketki offered 2 days before and start eating leftovers. I feel sad for them and for myself. How am I going to figure out my life?

“I’m sorry Appu. But you know, how hard I'm trying. Frustration will be there. Sometimes, even I wonder- do you love me? You keep complaining about how I ruined your life, your career, your relations. Have you ever tried to be in my shoes? Ever..”, Rama cries.

“I did. From the past 4 months, I’m doing the same damn thing. But I don’t see any change in our life Rama. Tell me, how many more months do you need. Or else..”

“Or else.. what? and I’m not sure how many more days or years are required. I just need more time.”

“Okay. Fine. I'm all exhausted with you and our situation. Let's stop this discussion here... I don’t want to waste my year. Next Monday is the last day for fees to deposit for masters. At least don’t ruin my career.”

“Appu, why don’t you take a break this year. You are intelligent. Why don’t you work for a year. We can save money then”, Rama suggests.

Angry Apurva tries to keep her voice down, “that’s enough Rama. The least you can do is stop playing with my dreams. You either arrange for my fees deposit by next Sunday or I’m going to ask Appa. I’m glad that he still loves me after the embarrassment I’ve been to him. This marriage is sure like a cancer to me.”

“Please. Don’t,” Rama cries again.

“You were in hurry for marriage. You made false promises. You don’t want to keep your ego aside. You even thought of ruining my year, dreams and career... So, it’s decided now, either you arrange for the money or I’m going to ask Appa.”

Rama with a furious voice says, “Appu, don’t behave like this. Don’t sacrifice our relationship.”

“You said it- Marriage is all about compromises. So, be it,” Apurva cries.

And they stopped talking. I thought of speaking to Rama the next day. But, was there any point in talking?

It's already 4 in the morning. I feel more sad and awake now.

I’ve been staying in the same chawl and in the same room for the past 20 years with Maa and Papa and honestly, I’ve been searching for a job for the past 3 months.

“Why did he say- marriage is all about compromises? Well.. it will be, if I don’t find ways for my survival on my own. Was I serious enough for the search and interviews?”, I think.

After over thinking for about an hour more, I come to conclusion of moving out of the chawl as soon as I get the job and start everything again. Just for myself.